Thursday, 21 January 2010

First hot, then not.

Hiiii sweethearts!!

You know what guys? I just had an epiphany, like boom and there it was…fuck yes it’s about boys, so that means I have officially checked out of boy rehab, waste of money that, I can tell you.

Anywayyyyy, so today I am talking about things about boys/men that look great on paper but then actually turn out to be a turn-off rather than a turn-on. You know that myth/truth that everything you initially fall in love with in a person is what annoys you the most and what will make you fall out of love at the end of the relationship. Let me give you an example. You think that his passion for old-skool sneakers is so adorable and that he looks super hot in his ‘dunks’ or whatever but after having lived with this guy for a year or so, you start despising his fucking sneakers cause not only do they smell really bad (vintage and all that), but because of their massive profile sole, whenever he steps outside, he brings back major amounts of dirt into the entire apartment spreading it a bit more with every step. Gross and annoying. You get the gist though, don’t ya? At first sight a total winner, at second a major deal-breaker.

So let’s start. I am a major record/music lover, don’t get me wrong and I love a boy who knows his bands. Preferably telling me about stuff I have never heard of and impressing me with his knowledge about obscure shoegaze bands or whatever. It’s sexy. It’s interesting. It makes me wanna make out with the guy. But once you are over that first infatuation and have actually realised that all the bands he told you about are rather sucky and that there’s a reason they never made it big, the whole ‘I know more music than thou’ thing can get a bit tenuous. However, it’s even worse once you realise that his entire living room is a shrine of vinyl from four decades of shite music. You know that kind of guy, who goes to record fairs on Sunday mornings (6 a.m. waking you up in the process) to buy “Mr. Bojangles and the four Clowns’” best-of and then comes back with two full bags of new records (Yay! Ermmm no!) which he then proceeds to meticulously arrange on his dedicated vinyl shelf/shelves.

By now however, he has assembled so many shite records, they hardly fit into the shelf anymore, he has to reach up to the very upper shelf close to the ceiling, which is why he came up with an ‘ingenious’ idea. So in order to reach all his 'treasures', he simply put an old rusty ladder right into the living room. WTF? Like nooooo, not only is he ruining the ambience of the supposed ‘together-space’ but also creating a major health and safety risk. I oppose! Going to gigs together: YES! Listening to Ganglians together: YES! Discussing the pros and cons of Kurt and Courtney: YES! Rusty ladder in the living room to get to humongous record shelves: NO!!

Some further things that might get annoying after a while.

You know I love a guy who loves animals, but once his fucking dog has pooped all over your new heels and/or chewed up your newest version of Vogue, you just wanna ‘forget’ the dog in a park and maybe your new ex-boyfriend along with it. Okay maybe that’s a bit harsh, but I choose a cat guy over a dog guy any day anyway!

You know I love a guy who knows how to dress but once he decides to take longer to get ready than you (blocking the bathroom in the process) it’s a sign it’s over. All this ‘metro-sexual’ lark is not my cup of tea anyway. Boys and men look best in a nice, slightly low pair of jeans, band Tee and a checked shirt if you ask me. I also don’t mind an old-skool baseball cap or geeky hat. Thank you very much.
Maybe a bit like this:

boy 1

or maybe a bit like this (minus the guitar, cause NEVER date boys in bands):

boy 2

You know I love a guy, who has his own life and goes playing football with his mates every Saturday, but as soon as football is taking over the flat/life/sex-life, it’s time for the red card. Yes babe we can go and watch the Gunners play this Sunday, but I won’t have your football friends over every fucking other day, okay? Also we are not watching football matches on telly when 'The City' is on MTV, alright? Thanks, babe.

Loving you all really!

Laters, Linda

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