Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Boys in Bands

Hello lovers today it’s time the ubiquitous, obvious post. Let’s talk about boys in bands. You have been there, I have been there, we probably all have been there, cause boys in bands tend to fuck around more than the average guy. And it never ends well. It can end in heart-break – the best ending. It can also end in death – Nancy Spungen or even worse it can end in waking up next to this guy with puke everywhere.

Erghhhhhh! Who's playing a 'Flying V' these days anyway?

Overall, there are hardly any positive stories about relationships with boys in bands to tell, well maybe except for that Interpol guy and Helena Christensen, but you know what I mean. Boys in bands are baaaaaaaaaad.

Well let’s discuss this then. Yes I know most musicians look damn hot on stage and we love to look up to our man, but really just because they managed to play two chords doesn’t justify being thick as fuck (in most cases, otherwise they would have got a proper job), fickle (otherwise they would have got a proper job), narcissistic (but a bit too fucked-up looking to become a male model/escort), and selfish. Man, I sound bitter.

I know, I know being ‘adored’ by a lot of (mostly female) fans does something to your ego and self-perception, being awake at night does something to your brain and body clock, and drinking 24/7 does something to your body, but why oh why do boys in bands think they are the shizzle? Literally even the smallest bands, who only play toilet circus venues have this swagger about them that screams “Look at me I’m in a band”….yes mate I know but your band is shite and nobody gives a fine fuck.

Anyway, despite all my ranting, I have to admit that I get it. Being with a musician means that you managed to be with the ‘in’ crowd, to hang out with the ‘cool’ people and to stand on the side of the stage as opposed to the plebs in the moshpit, but once the tour is over and your musician boyfriend is on the worst come-down ever and all your tour-friends have gone, it’s a damn lonely place to be.

Furthermore, if I hate one thing about boys in bands it’s that their fucking guitar/accordion/cymbals are always more important than you. If we are talking on the phone, could you please not strum around on your guitar and concentrate instead? If we are having an argument, could you please not terminate it saying that you have to attend rehearsal? If we are listening to one my favourite songs, could you please not criticise its chord structure? What the fuck is your problem?

There are also some further things to take into consideration when planning to go out with a boy in a band.

He will have some sort of addiction. It’s undeniable. Face it.

He will have very bad tattoos. It’s undeniable. Face it.

You might think all the beautifully crafted, deep songs he writes are about you, when they are in fact about his other girlfriend. It’s undeniable. Face it.

You will never see him and if you see him he will be high. It’s undeniable. Face it.

He will be fucking some 16 year old groupie somewhere. Maybe your younger sister, if you have one. It’s undeniable. Face it.

He will have a God complex. It’s undeniable. Face it.

He is a waste of space. It’s undeniable. Face it.

He will still be living at home when he comes home from tour. His mum is still washing his underwear and he is still hiding his bong under his bed. It’s undeniable. Face it.

So lovers, let me give you one well-meant piece of advice. If you see a boy with a guitar, run for your life! You might also want to listen to this playlist, which lists all the boys in bands that should strictly be avoided. Safe.


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