Thursday, 4 March 2010

The Test.

Hi lovers, recently I was inspired by what one of my best friends said after yet another disastrous crush. She stated:

“You know what Linda you have to have a few tests to check out a guy is okay before you even get into it” And damn she is right.

I mean, lovers, we all know that I get attached emotionally quite easily, doesn’t take much. Sometimes actually a cute kitty picture is enough to make me fall in love with a guy who sent me that cute kitty picture. Sad really.

As a side note, I fall in love all the time. Don’t know what’s wrong with me, but literally it’s the smallest things make me go all dribbly over a boy. Like how he leans against the wall, what kind of shoes he wears, how his nose is wonkey, how he has a little bit of pizza stuck to his mouth and doesn’t notice…..CRAZY!!!!!

So let’s get into this then. I figured out a few tests that could be helpful to do before you even start getting involved. They are quite me-specific, but feel free to adapt and to expand them.

There is the chicken test, which is pretty much self-spoken. “Hi hot guy, do you like chicken burgers?” If he says “Yes”: Bingo. If he says “No”: Bye Bye. An even better way to figure out how much he really loves the chicken is to just take him down Brick Lane and get him one of those £1 burgers and fries deals and if he devours it, that’s a good sign. If he orders a second one, future husband material! Sorry, lovers, but I do love the chicken.

Then there is the horniness test, which is pretty fucking self-spoken as well. If he just tries to kiss you again and again even though you turn your face the other way and he says stuff like “oh just relax, it will be fine”, he is not only a bad one, but you might as well have a future rapist on your hands. Erghhhhh, run! Also if he’s too pushy and has a one-tack mind, get rid of him asap. It’s not worth it sisters.

Then we have more intricate tests. Like the Kurt and Courtney test. Just casually ask him about his views on the whole Kurt and Courtney thing and if he goes off on a major rant how Courtney basically killed Kurt and fucked up the band and is the source of all evil, he needs to get a life. You know Yoko didn’t split up the Beatles either. Don’t even go there, girl.

Then we have my favourite test. The going on a random long bus journey test. First of all, I do love public transport. It doesn’t bother me. I find it quite poetic to be able to watch where you are going. Spiritual journey style. So if he hates public transport with a passion, that’s already not a good sign. However, if you then take him on a loooong bus journey to, say, Lewisham and he complains and whinges the entire time that the bus smells and is soooo slow, then just ‘forget’ him in Lewisham. Not good. Loving public transport shows that he has patience and compassion why else would he mingle with those ‘peasants’ otherwise. Just joking.

Lovers, I hope that helps. Be careful with your feelings and only grant people that love buses, Courtney and kitties access to your heart. Amen!

Linda x

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