How do you know you’re totally crushed out?

Hiya lovers when I was 17 I fell in love. Don’t we all? He was cute and I completely lost myself. I was naïve (I still am) and thought he is the most awesomest (really) person ever.

Now I think I was manically infatuated and he made my brain go all mushy and confused. But it was still blissful. Before he went out with some other bitch, that is.

And it is that bliss that makes falling in love/fancying/lusting after someone for the first time so special. I also think that the older you get, the more you loose that kind of emotion. You know all the disappointments make you bitter, all the bad experiences make you sceptical and all the heartbreak makes you more guarded.

(Illustration by Mark Adlington)

However, in case you haven’t felt that kind of thing before. Or in case you do feel that kind of thing all the time, let me give you some ‘feedback’ on how you know you’re totally crushed out.

You wanna perv all over him on Farcebook. All day. All night. And if some bee-atch posts something on his wall you wanna stab her, from behind, several times.

You think his jokes are ‘funny’.

You ‘don’t mind’ his smelly friends. (Yet!)

You ‘don’t mind’ that his favourite band is some obscure harp-rave-chillwave quartet from Canada, who actually make you wanna stab yourself, from behind, several times.

You ‘don’t mind’ that he ‘casually’ smokes spliff.

When you go and visit him in his house for the first time, you ‘don’t mind’ that the thing in the cage by his bed that you thought was a hamster, is actually a snake. (You start getting first doubts right then though)

You listen to Bon Iver’s ‘For Emma, Forever Ago’ and it makes you happy. (FYI easily THE most depressing album ever)

You are just staying in bed all day being unproductive. And you are not ill. Well maybe mentally.

If he lives in Poplar or Blackwall, you ‘don’t mind’ going there. I mean girl….really?

Ultimately, you know that you are crushed out if everything you do reminds you of him. Whilst brushing your teeth, you think of kissing. Whilst eating toast, you think of kissing. Whilst picking socks, you think of kissing. Whilst watching ‘Friends’ you remember that he fancies Rachel. And then you wanna stab her, from behind, several times. Errrrr.

Being crushed out is great. It’s also exhausting. Girls, be careful and chill out! And let’s all follow The Maccabees’ words of wisdom: “First Love, Last Love, It’s Only Love”.

(Illustration by Mark Adlington)

Laters Lovers x