Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Relationships suck.

Hiya lovers, one of my frequent readers (yes there are three of them) has told me that I am like a crazy jumpy frog. You know going from “uhh I love boys” to “urghhhh I hate boys” and back about 235735 times a day. Well, I guess that’s true and that’s because it’s true, if you know what I mean. Feelings change and people change and people change how you feel about feelings and people. Maaaan, deep shit. Must listen to Die Antwoord again to get out of this philosophical mode and find my inner zef. Phew.

Anyway, long and rambling introduction over, today I wanna write about why relationships suck and why you are so much better off being single.

First of all, when you are in a relationship, you do not only loose your friends, social life and freedom, but oftentimes your loose your dignity too. Fuck that shit. No I don’t wanna adapt to someone to the degree where I loose my identity. Yes compromise is good, but being an individual with individual thoughts is probably better, cause we all know that we are gonna die alone. So it’s probs better (and more important) that you are happy with yourself rather than just happy ‘with’ someone.

Sometimes, I think about what happens when you are in a long-term relationship and even more often I think about what happens after you break up. Only after the break-up people realise that they have invested time, passion, money and soul into something that wasn’t worth it. You realise that you changed who you are just to make someone else happy. And most crucially you might also realise that if you have to change to be with someone, it probably wasn’t the right person. Anyway since you only hung out with your fabulous boyfriend, now after the inevitable break-up, you don’t even have a best friend anymore to whinge too. And that sucks. Big time.

So all that’s left to do is to embrace loneliness and make the most of it until you finally begged all your friends to come back and promised that you will never ditch them again for some boy. That is until *the right* one comes along. Stupid girl.

Now you are sitting in your living room crying your eyes out and checking his Facebook profile/Twitter profile every second. Then you are trying to hack his emails, cause that stupid guy once granted you access to his private emails just to prove that he isn’t cheating. Well what you didn’t know girl is that all his emails to his affairs go from his other email address. Stupid girl.

Anyway, don’t sulk girl. Pick yourself up. I know you can do it and whilst you are at it, celebrate being single. Cause you can only do certain things when you are single and completely and utterly alone.

These things include:

Just not shaving your legs. Whatever man!

Getting into the tightest black leotard and trying to recreate Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ video. Actually when I think about it, any man would probably enjoy watching that. Hmmmm. Basic male instincts.

Totally indulge in your riot girl phase. Only listen to punk girl groups and shave your head. If Natalie Portman can do it, you can do it! Liberate yourself. Oh and whilst you are at it why not combine the two and listen to that band called ‘Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head’. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Watch the complete collection of Sex and the City in one go. Channel your inner Samantha.

Just pretend you are a super-model, dress up, go out, prance, look great and don’t give a shit.

Make angry tapes and send them to him saying something dramatic like “I curse the day you were born”. Yeah I know totes stole that from Charlotte from SATC. Duh!

Form a band and write songs. All the best music is about how love sucks.

And most importantly, reacquaint you with yourself. Does that make sense? Find out what makes you happy and what doesn’t. What you love and what you don’t. Fuck his opinion.

Boys are idiots.

Linda x

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