Boys are stupid.

Right, blog lovers – the time has come for another moany angry post about boys. Boys are stupid. There I said it. Why are boys stupid? Because they never do the right thing, say the right thing or act the right way. And it really isn’t that hard to do the right thing. Be a gentleman, don’t only think with your dick, wash every now and then, get off the fucking X-box and don’t be callous. SIMPLES. I am not expecting flowers and a call every minute of the day, I am just expecting some sort of decency and appreciation that I chose to spend my time with you. Easy.

Anyway, I was now gonna go into a massively long list of what boys should and shouldn’t do, but seeing that boys are stupid, that makes no sense. So instead this one is for the ladies. It’s a little help to filter the good from the bad, the decent from the fuck-ups cause before you get emotionally attached, you wanna make sure they are at least 75% worth it. It’s a first date checklist. And this time it's not about whether he likes chicken or not.

If you’re getting something important off your chest and he’s yawning (and not even covering his mouth whilst doing so) get up and go. Not worth it. And no manners.

When he buys you a cupcake on the first date and wipes off the cream on top of your lip, which you didn’t notice, he’s a keeper. If you have to buy yourself a cupcake, he ain’t.

If he’s not a good friend in the first place – you don’t want to go out with him. Passion goes, friendship stays.

If he knows you like him and then goes on to kiss your friend, you need to get rid of him. Once shady, always shady and sadly not in a sexy Eminem way.

And finally, guys, don’t bullshit girls. We might come across all naïve and understanding, but to see through some facetious bullshit, really isn’t that hard.  

Over and Under

Hiya guys, recently I went into depression / excitement / then depression again / then indifference about some guy. Same as always and it got me thinking. Also same as always. So I have compiled this over- and under-guide which makes it way easy to handle guys. Especially guys that you don’t understand. So here it is, live by its rules.

Overkill and then underkill. (Apparently you have to be full on and then pretend to not give a shit anymore, which makes them crazy)

Under-promise, but over-deliver.

Under-dress, but over-accessorise.

Being undersold on a guy is definitely better than being over the rainbow about him.

Under the covers rather than over the shirt.

Understated rather than overstated. Deffo.

Under-caring, yay! Overbearing, nay!

Under-stand, but don’t over-analyse.

I choose an underdog over an overachiever any day!

Underwear, boom. Overknee socks, booo.

Idolising People

Hiya beloved readers, today I would like to write about something that I think girls are very prone to doing. Idolising people.

I was prompted to write this post because the other day I met someone, that I actually never wanted to meet, simply because I adored him too much. Does that sound contradictory? Yes? Well, doh, that’s because it is, but you know sometimes you just love the IDEA of someone so much that you don’t want to ruin it with the actual REALITY of that person. It’s this weird thing that ‘we’ do (and by ‘we’ I hope I‘m not exclusively talking about me, if ya get me).

Loving someone (an artist, an actor, a singer, a wrestler, Heidi from The Hills (NOT), whatever other strange things you might be into) soo much, that it scares you to meet them because they are bloody likely to not be soooo perfect, so God-like, in real life. They could only let you down and deflate your expectations, right?

However, then I thought to myself that I really have to get over these teenage fantasies and grab reality by the balls. And grab I did, I can tell you. Guess what happened?

It wasn’t a let-down. It was pleasant and enlightening and inspiring and refreshing and normal even. So I have come to the conclusion, that, yes, fanstasing about someone is okay, but making that fantasy a reality is actually much more gratifying. I mean who would choose the prefect picture of a chocolate cake, over a real chocolate cake? Eh? Eh??

What’s the point of living in a world filled with unrealistic expectations, I ask you? Just go out and meet people and don’t have expectations, either negative or positive. Take things at face value and don’t over-analyse. And in order to do that, just follow these three simple steps that are anti-idolisation.

If you can feel that warm and mushy glowing feeling of idolisation coming on, think about what your idol would look like wearing Christian Audigier. Idolisation rape, that’s what that is! Totes works, right?

If you think the guy/girl you idolise so much is the most mysterious person ever, you have to get a reality check and really go talk to them. If they then say their obsession is Tinie Tempah, your obsession will be over like boom.

How can you really idolise somehow who’s main ambition is to become a fig farmer, I ask you? Be realistic about your idol’s ticks. But don’t next-level Google stalk them.

Laters lovers x

Top Five Dos and Don'ts

Hello loved ones, today it’s a great day to make another list. I love lists and I know you love lists too, especially the ones I compile. So it’s a win-win situation really.


Today’s list concerns the fickle nature of the dating game (so no surprise there) and includes a top-five of ‘the best’ guys to date and ‘the worst’ guys to date. Don’t even think about it honey-face!


So let’s start at the beginning.


Top 5 Must-Date-Guys according to the little book of Linda:


1. Librarian (patient, chilled out to the max, likes to put things into order and is into books, cannot get any more perfect than that I reckon)

2. Youth / Social Worker ( considerate, concerned with doing good things, interested and compassionate, might also like to listen to Suicidal Tendencies to impress his youngsters – bingo)

3. Curator in London’s National Gallery (keyed up on art and culture, interesting, all expenses paid for trips to the Louvre and MOMA and loaded. Need I say more?)

4. Vet (just think about all those kitties he fixes on a daily basis, awwwwwww)

5. Editor of Nylon magazine (loads of rad free shit, invites to the coolest parties, promo CDs of the coolest bands and not around all the time – sounds like a fair deal to me)



Top 5 Must-NEVER-Date-Guys according to the little book of Linda:


1. Stockbroker (soulless capitalist pig and bad in bed - pure speculation [har har])

2. Boy in a band (just read this)

3. Band Booking Agent (probably on coke, probably a dickhead with an inflated ego, but no mate you are NOT in the band, you are just BOOKING the band)

4. Personal Trainer (probs sounds good initially but after getting kicked out of bed at 5am to do some boot camp style workout WITHOUT breakfast, you might wanna reconsider)

5. Therapist (Just no!!)


Hope that helps!

laters lovers x

Vomcano

Hello lovers, I am in a terribly bad mood, all to do with volcanoes and busses and boys (stuff I usually love) and that got me thinking it’s time for another quick list of ranting glory. Boom.

In a fight between Facehunter and the Sartorialist, Facehunter is kicking the Sartorialists’s arse. Hard.

However, lovely Tavi still has the best fashion blog.

What goes around comes around. Be warned.

Having expectations is a sure-fire way to get disappointed.

If he says you aren’t girlfriend material, then surely you aren’t girlfriend material FOR HIM. Whatever. Someone else will be grateful for that decision.

Friends / Lovers / Soul-mates / Gurus / Inspirational People don’t just materialise out of the floor, you actually have to work for them. So get off that damn couch now, please.

Don’t believe the hype.

Never send angry emails. Always check them with your girlfriends first. Trust me, been there, done that.

The most entertaining book one could ever read certainly is Klaus Kinski’s biography, just classic.

Okay lovers tomorrow I will get over myself and I will be happy, I recommend you do the same.

Loving you from the bottom of my heart even though I feel like this right now.

Linda X

Touch knees, touch hearts

Hello lovers, no more posting ‘credible’ reviews of bands, making pie charts, putting qualitative photos up. Enough of that.

Today, I am going back to grade 9 attempting to evaluate ‘signals’ from boys. You know the whole ‘does-he-like-me-or-doesn’t-he-like-me’ shebang. In pre-school everything was so easy, he pushed you over on the playground, he was into you big time. That he sat with you on the swings meant he ‘only liked you as a friend’. But since those playful days, things have changed dramatically. Gender politics, venereal diseases, broken hearts, broken phones, and broken noses…Boom.

I know, I know my frequent readers will be able to testify that I believe boys don’t even know what ‘signals’ are, let alone that they consciously use them to pull/find love/find something/someone, but I thought it’s still a good idea to try and figure out what’s going on, cause you know openly saying ‘I like you’ to someone these days can single-handedly be equated with desperation. Heaven forbid that we are honest and open about our feelings, I mean hello?

So after getting together with my focus group and discussing the topic in depth, here are the results. Things that clearly indicate he likes you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

If he ignores you completely and talks to a slutty, fake-tanned blonde instead, he likes you! He’s also a douche-bag.

If he makes you a playlist, he likes you. If there is Pixie Lott on his playlist, he’s got issues.

If he tells you straight to your face that he has never met anyone like you and that he wants to be with you in a romantic relationship way, he wants to shag you.

If he doesn’t add you on Facebook even though he perfectly well knows you’re on it, he’s into you. It’s a game about power though.

If he calls you ‘matey’, 'mate', 'bro' or 'hey you there', forget about him.

So this is the ultimate tip. If you don’t know a guy and get chatting to him and he keeps casually touching your knee with his knee, he likes you in a good way. If you wanna figure out if someone likes you, do the ‘knee-touching-trick’ and if he pulls away, shizzle, but if he keeps touching back, jackpot! If your legs are glued together by the end of the night, girl you worked the magic!

If he keeps looking at you thinking that you’re not seeing him look, he’s into you but he’s also shy. It’s the peek-a-boo of flirting.

However, on most parts, it’s true boys don’t do anything like EVER. They don’t even know that you are on a date until you put your tongue in their mouth. Deal with it. Touch knees. Touch hearts.

Laters Linda